I think that the amazing response I have received from Xanga will last me through many a day, I have been overwhelmed and deeply touched by it all. You have more than given me a reason to keep right on till the end of the road. I am sorry now I posted this poem, yet the warmth I’ve received will keep me in hope-logs for all of this winter.
Terry
_______________
Falling.
______
i
One does not go into a nervous breakdown
Wanting one,
Or even knowing that you are having one.
You are just told one day that you are mad,
Or you start to lash out
Or burst into tears
Over almost nothing.
Perhaps someone says something
Or writes something
And instead of laughing off their ignorance
You take it as an insult
And start smashing things up.
I am writing this because
I myself is on the verge
Of a nervous breakdown,
From someone who steals from me,
Threatens me, bullies me
And smashes up my flat.
I am nearly at that breakdown point.
For behind my calm smile
I am breaking up
And breaking down
And soon they will have to put me away
And then what?
What will become of my blogs,
Loved by many
Hated by a few
Ignored by most
For being what they are
The notes of a failed writer
A versifier pretending to be a poet.
I am not on the verse of a nervous brakdown
Actually wanting one,
But it is happening,
The signs are all there
I can see dead people
I can see colours on white
I can see things that do not exist
I can see the sunshine at night.
I would not even know that I was having a nervous breakdown
If the signs were not there
And I had never had one before
And so know what the signs were.
ii.
If I could get away from here
Live with somebody
Or start a new life somewhere
Somewhere with a computer,
Because sadly, you are now
My only friends,
You whom I cannot touch
You whom I may never touch
You whom drift in and out of my life
So aimlessly.
I am having a nervous breakdown,
I feel it in my skin
I feel it every time a certain person
Pinches something else of mine
Or threatens me with their fist.
I wish I could run away,
Take my CD’s, a few clothes…
I’ll leave everything else behind
For I can always print off the stuff
From my site
Whilst it is there
By the curtesy of my pocket.
If I vanish suddenly,
If I do not appear on-line
Do not think I am dead
(Though I could well be)
Just see me as mad
In some hospital chattering, either to myself
Or to an invisible three-headed bird,
Else I’ll be on some bitter city street
With only my broken mind as comfort.
I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown
And if you think I am lying,
Just you wait and see
See me licking the paint off the walls
Whilst writing poetry that no one else will ever read
Nor ever want to.
—
Terry Cuthbert.
Comments (41)
Knowing the symptoms give you a chance to change directions. I know this sounds simple for me to say. Dig down deep friend. You are valued by your invisible friends here. Keep the faith!
Recently, I wrote “I wouldn’t know if I was insane, would I?” It was part of an inner dialog.
This crystallizes a concept. Perhaps it is the process of drifting toward insanity that is so horrifying. Maybe it’s not so bad when you get there. Indeed. Which is worse? The fall or the impact?
Is there any way you can get away from him?? No one should have to live under those circumstances. Talk about elder abuse!! It is YOUR place, isn’t it? Can you tell him to leave?? You are too smart to put up with all that.
i’m sorry to hear that … i’m not very good at avoiding that feeling either, but it comes and goes … getting into something new can help … as trying not to worry one’s life out all in one day can
Oh my gosh, I wish I could help you
I am so very sorry for you.
I know how you feel… I had a nervous break down after my sister died.
I want you to get help, please!
You inspired me to write. Thank you for that. With a mind like yours, I’m sure you won’t do anything stupid. I’ll sponsor you myself if I have to if you ever want to come to the states. I’ll reaise the money from a Xanga/paypal collection or something if I have to. You mean a lot to a lot of people. Get that copper friend of yours on the case. And for god sake, muzzle that alien pet of yours. Or give them some really good drugs.
Please don’t break down ,can’t you move from an intolerable situation ,you have mentioned it before ,is there nowhere else you could go ,away from where you now are. I wish you healing and better luck .Love marj
I don’t know the backstory, but it was a beautiful poem like the harsh fragility of finding a dead bird that had fallen out of it’s nest. (man what a terrible simile, but it was the image that came to my mind as I read it) I think you can get through this. You can ESCAPE. I would feel pity for you, but that would imply superiority on my part (which I don’t have). I just feel this great sadness that your life isn’t better (but that doesn’t mean it can’t improve). I think the best thing to do is to see a counselor. They always seem to have good suggestions.
Sorry I wish I had something better to say.
I once felt the same way, but I found out it was really just some bad chicken I had ingested….. Hang in there….the room might spin around some too….
Is it true? I never know, since some people write things just to write them. It distresses me to think it could be true. To read of someone in pain, phsically or mentally, with no apparent way out…there has to be a way, doesn’t there? Sometimes just writing about it makes it better. I hope things will look better for you soon. Please try to get some help. Lots of people care, you know.
You can’t leave yet. I’ve always wanted to visit Eruope and then venture to England see who this man of mystery who writes inspiring poetry. I’m figuring I have about three more years before I study abroad (hopefully in Germany).
But other than that, I feel just like that right now. Sometimes pressure is put on people and they don’t even realize who is doing it or why or how to deal with it. Then I want to break down into a ball and have a nurvous break down but too much is riding on me not doing just that. *sigh* stress. I could live without it but I don’t think I’d get anything done. .
It’s true that’s why I put it on this blog, I hang on a life’s thread with a stealing druggie son no one wants to help me get rid off, on a take home pay of £750 per month and in terrible pain most of the day. Poetry (and all your kind remarks and the hope of visiting Texas) keeps me going.
terry – i will be emailing you tonight my friend.
please look for that email. love to you.
Darn it Terry, we have to find a way to get him out of there. Can’t you give it a go to do what I have suggested before. Have someone put his stuff out and have the locks changed. If he makes a fuss, call the police. Get the kid outta there.
No one deserves that kind of foolishness after they have raised their kids.
Hugs from here and don’t think on it, do it. What can you lose? ITs bad enough already.
Shades, Terry!!! I’d be more than willing to contribute to any way to get you over to Texas (whatever your reasons to be in that over-heating state), come to Michigan (I’d LOVE to have you here!), or just someplace a mile away from your current residence in England (per what bodiddly mentioned). I’d be more than happy to host you! Please find your local authorities and get your turncoat, less-than-adoring/doting son the bloody hell out of your House!!! My Father would have done very bad things to me if I did anything your son does! You don’t need to be anywhere near that drugged jerk! I’m hoping to come to England in a few years for my honeymoon (see Stonehenge, Glastonbury, London, southern shores where Tintagel (sp?) and the Lord Merlin are kept), and if you’re still there I would be honoured to take you out to dinner. Oh, my heart is breaking for you! I offer you a weave of the 5th Element (Spirit) to keep your mind & body intact. You mean a very great deal to me, though I’ve only known of you barely a month. I look forward to getting on my Xanga sites to see if you’ve written something new here or on your other 2 sites. I smile with every comment you leave me. You told me you miss hearing/seeing new stuff on Star_Gone_Nova; that made me feel apprecated for the little writing I manage to procure. You are becoming a great source of inspiration to me; as you’ve done for so many others that care to have you around for a long time. Please, Terry, find a way to get him out of your house or you leave the place yourself (though it shouldn’t be that way), and please get the help you need to live more healthy and peaceful days/years. With love to an honorable, respectable, caring, hilarious, talented, and adored gentleman – I thank you from the depths of my heart & soul. May Peace, Love, and Happiness come back to you & really soon.
Everyone who knows and loves Terry : please visit this site and leave
him a note of encouragement. What are friends for if not to lift you up.
A raunchy word or two would be great also.
http://www.xanga.com/private/home.aspx?user=FriendsNotesToTerry
Posted 11/30/2004 at 10:03 AM by FriendsNotesToTerry
Anyone want to post this link on their own site and pass the word around
it would be well appreciated. Let’s send this Brit a message.
Terry
(oops! try this link instead)
anyone ready to murder the messenger yet? sorry THIS is a good link.
Terry
{{{HUGE HUGS}}} left you a note too at notes for Terry site…
Bloody hell! If my family were as wonderful as you lot I’ll be on cloud nine!
Thank you from all my heart!
Terry! I hope you know that despite how aggravated you make me at times that your sites are oftentimes the bright spots in my days. You never fail to make me smile, laugh, feel, learn. You have inspired and encouraged me. I wish I were there to give you loads of hugs even though you would probably shrug it off. Know that even though we are not there physically all of us love you just the same.
Tiff
You give love … you get love.
Jeeze. I really have a strong desire to whup that kid of yours. Bet I could take him, too.
You know Terry, that getting a message from you is like sunlight in my day. If you didn’t know, now you do. So there.
Sometimes, I admit, I have to re-read those poems of yours to catch the jist. Sometimes the jist flies right on by. But more often than not, you hit that chord a poet is looking to strike. That one that sings “RIGHT ON!” when it is hit just so.
To put it simply ( I so often fail at this) you mean a lot to me. I certianly don’t want to hear of you eating paint. I mean, the food in England can’t really be as bad as all that….
(((HUGS))) ~Angie
I stand (sit) with my mouth open. At this poem. But more at this person submerged.
oh pineapple, oh fruit, i love your poetry. I love your words. All great geniuses must go down. I wish you weren’t suffering. tell me it isn’t true.
But you are the dream of the unversed man. The man who wants to say but can not say it.
Email me. I can be your friend. Clowne from clown, boy wonder, poet, nothing of you and everything too.
I want for your happiness.
~lisa
Nothing wasted at all, you feed off us as we feed of you. It’s symbiosis.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Terry}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} you know you always are and always will be in my heart. Holding you close. -Margot
I read your poem and took the time to internalize it…
…ouch.
You can’t leave me! I just found you! And I so look forward to whatever words you leave gracing my comments page! Just because your idiot son doesn’t value you doesn’t mean no one does! You so rock!
Peace and love…GFW
Hi Terry…
Drifting is a good way to put it..
Smooth sailing …
We will have fun…
Doug…
Terry, years ago I took in someone who was on the verg of a nervous breakdown and after the trauma of long nights sat up talking with this person, helping them in my simple, stupid way, I vowed I would never do it again. The main reason Terry, was that I was not equipt mentally to deal with such a depth of depression this person was suffering from. In the aftermath I suffered more than I am willing to admit, even now some twelve years later I cry for no apparent reason. I talk to ghosts, I see colours on white, so perhaps I’m mad too Terry. Oh sure I learnt a lot about mental illness, but I never thought I would ever say to anyone again, “My home is your home”, but for you Terry I would. You deseve so much more that the rough deal you seem to be getting where you are living now.
Peace, love and friendship are all I can offer, simple gifts that they are, but hope they are some comfort.
I’m listenening to Classic FM (464 – Sky TV) it’s the most soothing music I’ve heard in a long while…listen to it if you have SKY…and remember you have friends who listen to what you have to say and think of you often, even when they stay silent.
I’m sorry to hear your son is causing you this suffering. When we had our children and did all we could to make a good life for them, we had no idea the suffering we could have due to them… My husband’s idea was that they would take care of us in our old age… little did we know we would age faster thanks to being parents, and some of our children can cause us much misery- purposely or not…. I’m sorry your son is causing you to feel worse than you were already feeling with your health.. it is not fair and I hope you do not end up with a break down and on the streets as you wrote.. I’m sending as many good thoughts and hugs as possible from this reclusive person on this continent…
take care
Falling Out
Poetry by Some Fool For a Friend
Wednesday, December 1, 2004
(inspired by the poem “Falling” by Terry Cuthbert)
One does not want a nervous breakdown going into one
Or even knowing what one wants when, what?
What is nervously entertaining to some
Is just some sh*t one wipes off one’s shoe
Nervously hoping he doesn’t step in some more
On the way to his incarceration somewhere
I’ve been at that breakdown point too many times
(Shut up, what the fu&# do you all want anyway?)
And am sure to travel the road to insanity with a laugh
And a straitjacket
Size 40 medium with bright blue blazer buttons
Instead of straps with which to choke the
Living sh*t out of convention
I have seen colours on white
And people who aren’t there out of the corner
Of my eye
And then I lowered the dosage for good measure.
Those whom one cannot touch are touching
Their keyboards with alacrity in reverse
And true friendship and camaraderie is soothing
Only when one understands the lack of consequence
One does not need this insanity that is the daily life of
Living in sensuous stupidity
One does not need this or that or even existence
Yet one does what one can,
Wiping the smiles off serendipity
And showering with one’s clothes on
Let me assure you
And your multiple personalities
As, licking paint off many walls around me
(mmm, the light green tastes like peppermint)
I salute your insanity,
And wish you a speedy recovery
Living in-sane conditions leads to more nervous breakdowns
I will put my hand to the screen of the monitor in greeting
And hope for better nervous breakdowns ahead.
Michael F. Nyiri, poet, philosopher,fool
having read all these messages terry….what can i add, before we know it ……. you will be away to Texas. just snap them ruby slippers.. …….
wonder 
i think i had a son like yours terry, and i have written a bit about last xmas on my blog… but i think your pals are right, in your case you do need help and thats not always easy to take…on.
if you really wanna read my last attempt at a book thing .. its yet unedited i shall be happy to email you a chunk if i can find an email thingeee…
A new blog ring is starting….Could it be Madness- this? by urbannomad22. You might want to check it out. You also might find her writing intriguing as she has bipolar disorder and her writing often reflects the intricacies of the working in her mind. Extremely creative, but often the dark days manifest themselves. However, in the midst she keeps her deep faith in God alive. Please think of yourself and your need to take care of yourself. You seem to be the kind of person to put others’ needs before your own. Right now you need to put your own needs first and do what you have to do. Tough love is not easy, but that is what you son needs.
Got to get him out of your life and into a rehab or something. You do not deserve a nervous breakdown after all you have been through. If it is your house…throw him out and get a restraining order from the police. THis is just not acceptable at all! We love you
and the 3 headed lady too 
We all have the moments of weakness. We are all ALLOWED those moments.
Heaven knows I do.
I meant to write my comment on this a day or two ago when I read it.
You don’t sound quite as scared as many other people might be. After all, I imagine that as a writer, you’ve always felt a little crazy to begin with. I can’t say much except that no one ever knows what the future will bring for them. I once tried to end my life. Today I am happy, free, very much alive. A whole different situation than the one I had when I was clinically depressed. I do the best that I can each day. The present is mostly what matters to me. It’s the only thing that is genuinely real.
Does he ever leave the house? Set his belongings outside and change the locks. In the US we can get restraining orders to keep people away. Do you have a system that can help you in any way? Hugs again!
The lifeblood in you
Feels to drain
And ebb away from in
Your soul.
Reach out here
And take our hands
And we will help
To make you whole.
All of us
Have trials and fears
That dim our light
And tamp the shine.
If it were
Within my power
I would make
Your troubles mine,
Give your heart
A respite here
And give a healing soul
A chance
To enjoy the
Ride we’re on,
Take a break
But dance the dance….
I loved this poem! It’s dark and full of despair, but there’s a hint of defiance and even humor in it as well.
My Dearest Terry,
Although I do not know you,
You have more than touched my heart
Brought tears of sorrow & laughter
From many miles a part
I hold you in such reverence
And am stunned that you didn’t see
How brilliant, moving and loved
Your stories & poetry can be
Certainly not a failed writer
And I promise long after you’re gone
Your writings will still move & inspire
Your memory will go on
I also have a troubled child
And sitting behind my chair
Is a backpack I’ll never use
I feel better just knowing it’s there
For I too feel like running
Making a brand new start
Away from this daily madness
Which tears my soul a part
Your sites hold such value
The comments reflect the love
Not like my mindless babblings
For which I am so ashamed of
I find it hard to be open
To share what I feel inside
Years of indescribable damage
It’s easier to hide
Don’t you worry about Texas!
For I know you will be there
And if the fate’s are willing
A pint or two we’ll share
For now all I have to offer
Is this simple loving rhyme
And the hug I hope will follow
When I meet you in due time
You matter more than you know!
(((Hugs!)))
Cindy